weateallthepies.com

OK…nursing advice is probably not what you were expecting to read here but I just had to post something about these books.

I’m not sure what strange thread I was following which led me to the free ebook “emergency nursing unscrewed” over at impactednurse.com but I’m quite glad I ended up there as it’s an interesting read.

The site is published by Ian Miller “a registered nurse with nearly 23 years experience working in the Emergency Department of a major teaching hospital in Canberra Australia.” and appears to be a very well written and possibly useful (if you are a nurse) resource.
However it is the book that led me there and whilst I am not a nurse and have no intentions of becoming one, on browsing I found myself reading huge chunks of it. It really is an interesting, often very funny, and quite grossly graphic insight into the world of the emergency department nurse.

If you’ve ever wondered…

• How to insert a catheter

Local takes around 3 minutes to work properly, although that is a long time to be discussing the latest sports results with a bloke whilst holding his penis in your hand.

• How to remove a penis caught in a zip

Call the police, call the rescue helicopter, call the priest.

• how to handle the smell of poo

You all know the scenario; you roll your semi-conscious patient over only to discover a steaming lumpy broth of diarrhoea that, thanks to the physics of capillary action, has oozed and squittered its way into every fold and fossa betwixt and between

…and many more delightful subjects, then this is the book for you.

Also available are two other ebooks:
how to be a nurse

Want to know how to survive burnout?
How about…how to survive one shift in the emergency department?
Is your workday getting a little bland and cynical?
Do you feel you need to add a little depth to your nursing practice?
Need to improve your listening skills?

No problem. Join me as we get a little vertical, engage in some reflective introspection, reach out and…… hit the big red button.

And the quite brilliant list of advice…

• Try not to sneeze when wearing a protective face shield.
• Never bend down to pick up your pen when the patient is vomiting into a kidney dish.
• Always give the patient a call-bell, even when they have an itchy buzer finger.
• When returning from a toilet break always always check to make sure you do not have a tail of toilet paper hanging out the back of your pants.
  Wash your hands. Often. And properly.
• Be gentle with your colleagues.
• Always handle a dead body with respect.
• Air goes in and out. Blood goes round and round. All the rest is obfuscation.
• Never underestimate the amount of faeces that can be concealed in a pair of old y-fronts.
• Listen until it hurts.
• Watch for burn-out. Watch for rust-out.
• Best not to fall asleep at the desk and dribble all over your patient notes.
• Remember: Best practice. Remember: Worst case scenario.
• Guard your testicles from static electricity when making a bed on a dry day. (If you don’t have testicles, guard the testicles of those around you.)
• The voice of experience sometimes gets drowned out by the din of expedience.
• There is no such thing as this will only take a moment.
• If you tell your patient “Ill be right back”, make it so.
• Chocolate is brown. Faeces are brown. It’s confusing, I know. But try to pay attention.

the back passage

Compiled into one easy-to-read compendium. True stories from the emergency department gathered into one soggy lump for no other reason than to lift your spirit.

here for your edification is a short list of items I have personally helped retrieve from the collective back passages of a large cross section of society:

• A sundry of vibrators in various colours shapes and novelty themes.
• A large frozen chicken roll.
• A table leg wrapped in newspaper and cling-wrap.
• A pencil.
• A steel tube.
• A perfume bottle.
• And of course the all popular varieties of elongated vegetable.

I’m sure they will be very useful for anyone wishing to follow a nursing career, and for the rest of us they offer a glimpse of life working in a hospital, plus a few laughs and gross outs.

They have all been release under a Creative Commons license so go and read them.